Regular musings about life, art, and everything else…
Flashbacks
I really, really, really have issues with the holidays, and quite honestly, I’m glad they are over.
It’s always overstimulating, and as much as I hate using the word trigger because of how much it’s been trivialized, a sh*t ton of triggers.
Memories of broken christmas trees, police calls, fighting, and fear.
Sometimes it’s very difficult not to snap at people when they push me about why I don’t like the holidays. I like the music. That’s about it for me. Oh and the lights. The rest though? Crowded stores, expectations, traffic, pressure pressure pressure.
At least the food is always good, thanks to my mom and grandma, aunts, and cousin.
This past christmas was probably one of the best i’ve had, despite being sick. There was no pressure on me to socialize, and I was able to connect with my cousin, who I honestly and regrettably never had a long conversation with. To be honest, I didn’t have many long conversations with his brother, my eldest cousin- But he’s gone. PTSD got him.
There are good memories in there somewhere, like my daughters first christmas. Christmas with my ex husband’s family (I loved my ex-mother in law, and she was still a big part of my life until the end. At least we actually got to say goodbye, but that’s another story for another time.)
Christmas was actually not terrible as a little kid. It’s only now that I look at the photos that I realize some of the stuff that was bubbling under the surface. Those christmases a long time ago…I’ve been thinking about them, about playing Super Mario Bro’s on the NES in the guest bedroom while “Santa” dropped off our gifts (on Christmas Eve, ha).
It’s like there’s this web of memories…actually not so much a web but a tangle of strings of memories that I need to figure out how to untangle. And not only is it past due that I address this huge tangle, I think i’m finally in the mental position to be able to look at this big mess and start to unravel it.
Not that I’m a fan of resolutions and all that, but I hope this year I can start to really dig in and unravel this story and make it into something meaningful.
Flashbacks…
What’s been very new for me is the experience of flashbacks. It’s seriously not something i’ve ever truly experienced until after the hurricane.
I always thought flashbacks were like VR- you are just in a completely different environment and don’t know where you are.
I learned about emotional flashbacks recently- which was mind blowing to learn. When i’d be critiqued for a mistake at work, it became life-ending, shameful, embarrassing experience, every time no matter how small the issue. Every perceived negative experience sparked a reaction completely disproportionate to whatever I was reacting too. The more this became an issue, the more I started hiding it, burying it so deep under the surface that eventually I just packed it all into a ticking time-bomb.
Then, the murder-tree.
Honestly, the flashbacks really began to ramp up after Helene. (She’s my Carol Baskin.) (Sorry I’ve been watching Tiger King, I love trashy tv sometimes.)
Not just the emotional flashbacks, but small hints of the “VR” flashbacks. I had one in the shower the other day- I reached out to grab soap from the caddy, and for a moment I felt like I was in the old shower, in the old house. Before the leak that ruined the floor. I have them every once in a while when i’m about to go to sleep, or just waking up. Not remembering where I am- Am I in the temporary shelter of my former classroom? Am I home? Where is home?
My heart might explode, but oh well…
Unnaturally high levels of stress and caffeine (at the very least) have raised my blood pressure to the point of medical significance, so I suppose that means I need to relax a little. Maybe do things I enjoy again. Like writing.
I recently found that for some terrible reason, I was still subscribed to my ex’s blog and all the terrible poetry that comes with it. How did i find out? Email update. Ew. Unsubscribe. Tired of rolling my eyes randomly at control dressed as romance. I’d rather have a Vogon read me poetry.
That’s the thing that sucks about triggers sometimes, you are just minding your own damn business, living your best life, doing the things, and then boom. Some small reminder of abuse and coercion that just make your stomach turn. Social media memories and “People you may know” make me want to vomit sometimes. Block/Delete. Every time the suggestion comes up, it gets a hearty NO THX and BLOCK.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Every time? Yes. New accounts made periodically, which is totally NOT sus at all.
So why mention this? Well, A) It’s my own damn space to write and I will write what I please, which hasn’t always been easy for me under the guise of being “acceptable”. and B) As I go through more therapy, etc, things are starting to unlock in my brain.
I’m almost 40 and didn’t understand the extent to which my current health and mental health concerns are all stemming from years of abuse. Not just him, THEM. Multiple abuses and abusers. I finally had to put down the feeling of shame that I’m “too smart” to be in an abusive relationship of any kind- but when you are conditioned that way, conditioned to people please and think self-care and awareness is selfish, It’s easy to end up there.
My new favorite podcast:
Trust Me with Lola Blank and Meagan Elizabeth
https://www.trustmepod.com/
Cults are narcisstic abuse and and coercion on steroids. I guess that’s why i’m fascinated by learning about high control situations. And the more I learn, I’m finding the following to be true:
1) I didn’t deserve it
2)Bowing to coercion may look like consent to an outsider
3)Empathy can be exploited by a narcissist
4)I’m not a narcissist - (I know what you are thinking, isn’t that something a narcissist would say?"…Well, someone who isn’t might say it too, idk.) (Context- I was accused by my abusers SO of being a narcissist…and for a minute I was worried I was one, picking apart my behavior and beating myself up over it…I have since seen the light)
5)My worth is not tied to my value to someone else to use for their pleasures, perversions, or otherwise.
As I continue to unravel the clusterf*ck that is my brain and everyone who helped contribute to it being that way, I will start putting together my story. After a near death experience, losing my home (to a very large tree that almost killed my husband and me), and one heck of a nervous break down (or a few), I pleaded to the universe to give me some kind of sign that it was okay to tell my story- Well, in typical universe fashion, it delivered.
Well, it was more of a “Quit being a pendeja.”
X out of 100
So the original idea was to create 40 squares of drawings before I turned 40. Well, I’m at 35 squares already, and I haven’t turned 39 yet. So I decided to just keep on keeping on, cause honestly, I’m having a lot of fun with this particular project.
Since we lost our house in 2024 to a royal b word named Helene, I was feeling artistically pretty lost, I had really gotten into wood working and my wood shop was also gone with the house. I can’t really kick up saw dust where I’m staying, and I’ve honestly just been focused on keeping my mind together.
I had some black cardstock I salvaged from my old studio, and found a nearly untouched set of prismacolor pencils, and the physical act of drawing was helping to blow off steam from constant anxiety. I started watching artists on IG who did stream of consiousness drawing, and I thought i’d give it a go.
#1 of 100
It was just supposed to be a single drawing, a quick experiment. I cut off the bottom of the page and created an 8x8 square, just because i had done some scribble tests on the bottom of the page. I don’t know how the next part occurred to me, but i was addicted- I wanted to keep drawing and see how far I could push this concept. I channeled my inner Heironymus Bosch and let it rip.
I have some plans for display, but for now, i’m just focusing on finishing up the 100 squares in two sets of 50. Once that is done, I hope for a gallery exhibition with extremely versatile display options for each of these pieces.
I’ll keep everyone posted on progress. -CM
Canvas Rebel
Really excited to have new opportunities to tell some stories about life and art. :) I’ve recently began opening up about some of my experiences, and was recommended to submit to Canvas Rebel a friend. I hope this gives a little insight into my thinking process. :) Photo Credit: Erica Lescantz. (Thanks friend, this is one of the few photos i’ve ever really been happy with. :)
Emotional Drawing
So, I got into this habit of starting a piece whenever i’m in some kind of extreme negative emotion. It has been really helpful in managing the moment. This is probably one of my favorite pieces I have ever done, and marks a turning point for myself, my emotional healing, and my artwork.
Here's to my Weirdos...
I’ve always wanted to start and keep up with a blog, but…
Yeah… that’s the fun part, i don’t know how to finish that sentence.
I want to start a blog… but,
I’m afraid i’ll get made fun of? Well what does that matter. I’m a grownup in my 30’s- I give zero f’s.
I don’t know where to start? Anywhere is better than nowhere.
I don’t want to seem stupid? To who? Just because someone thinks i’m dumb doesn’t make i true.
This is an art website, no one wants to hear me whine?
What does it mean to whine? I don’t want to complain i just want to write.
The other day I couldn’t sleep, which unfortunately is a regular occurence, so i pushed myself to write 50 random thoughts as they popped into my head, just to offload the racing, intrusive thoughts. What I got was a list of quotes, stories, imagery, and experiences…well there ya go.
But… what if someone reads it?
Wait…what if no one reads it?
Why do it if no one is reading it?
Because it might not get read today. Or tomorrow. Or in my lifetime. But just like all of the random little bits of inspiration and encouragement from the universe, maybe one day in the future someone will feel a little less alone and think “hey, i guess i’m not so weird after all”.
Here’s to my weirdos.
May Newsletter- Short break, Big Goals!
Hello Fellow Payaso’s and Skellys
The May Update is here!
SHORT BREAK
There’s been a short hiatus on any skellybots work due to work obligations (I teach theatre, and its spring musical season!) I have been working on prepping for the next phase between rehearsals, being covered in paint, and glue gun burns— so here are some updates:
SKELLYBOTS MINTING
Skellybots are still being minted at biweekly intervals! Every other Saturday Is mint day! The original collection is still coming out on foundation, and research files and other fun stuff are being listed on opensea. Skellybots singles are on objkt. Research file drawings will continue after May 15th.
PATREON RELAUNCH
Took a little time to restructure, and decided to update my Patreon! (And I also forgot to take it off my business cards lol) Check out membership levels and member perks by clicking below.
UPDATED PROJECT GOALS
500 followers on any platform by 2023
100 members on BMAC or Patreon (or combination of both) by Mid year 2023
100 research files collected by December
$1200 a year In nft sales (Small number, I know!)
At least 3000 a year in nft earning, Merch, etc by 2025
Merch expansion, first with Merch websites and then from a home shop!
Bots animation begun by 2024
Completion of the Bots’ Origins Comic by 2023
Creating a database of links for partner projects on website as soon as possible
100 members on discord by 2023
The Start of a YOUTH NFT class by fall 2022.
Some other exciting projects-
Payasa Art will be dropping a limited collection of 10 graffiti pieces. Graff was my re-introduciton to art and pulled me back in after I had given up, so I’m revisiting it to do some fun retro inspired pieces. These will be available on the ethereum blockchain by the end of May 2022.
A DIRTY SOUTH PARTNERSHIP!
Skellybots have partnered with Dirty South Burlesque and Cabaret to release a limited edition build your own bot and burleskelly sticker series. These will only be available online through the dirty south website or locally at the DSBC shows.
Get the exclusive stickers by clicking the button below! These won’t be sold anywhere else.
How You can support Payasa Art and Skellybots!
Simply sharing, liking, and helping hype up the art! Just a few shares and likes and RT’s can make a huge difference.
Visiting Payasa Art on IG, FB, and Twitter
Picking up a Skellybots or Payasa Art NFT
Subscribing to BMAC or Patreon!
Filling out a research file- It takes less than 5 minutes to make your mark on skellybots history!
Joining the Payasa’s Plaza Discord channel!
Looking forward to getting back into these projects refreshed and ready to rock!
BIG NEWS!!!
BIG NEWS!!!!
There is so much going on! Here are some updates:
Skellybots have entered the NFT space. Pieces from the Skellybots and Payasa Art digital collection are available on foundation and opensea.
The Skellybots project website is updated!
We are now up to 15 supporters on buymeacoffee.com! Click here to become a supporter! The first 20 supporters will get a little welcome gift in the mail. Only 5 spots left for that offer!
There are new project goals for the skellybots project- including a book and an animated web series. More to come soon!
AND NOW FOR THE REALLY BIG NEWS:
I am presenting my latest NFT project alongside a dozen other artists at the world's first NFT Artist Demo Day!!! It should be a fun event overall and I'm hoping you can show up for the unveiling of my Skellybot project details and artwork. I'm asking my supporters to come and check it out!
You will probably also enjoy seeing some of the other projects. There are a lot of innovative artists in our group.
I will be presenting between 12 noon and 2pm with the exact time slot published closer to the event day. Please register using the link to get a spot and to receive the final schedule:
https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_qbKpj0w5SHShES65HuEzUw
None of this is possible without you guys supporting me and cheering me on. Love Love Love to you all!
Payasa Art News
So Much to say!
Some Exciting Updates:
The Main Website has been updated! It has a new, cleaner look and better focus, I think. :)
I’ve been feeling restless and have decided to really dedicate some time to the serious development of my career as a digital artist.
New Series!
I’ve started a new series of timed figure drawings. In order to keep my skills sharp and keep improving, My goal is to create a new biotech figure drawing each week in under 10 hours. So Far I have completed 3, two of which I hope to sell as NFTS and Prints.
This has been an incredible series to work on, and I’m learning so much about myself and my process.
Payasa Art and Skellybots are on Twitter! Follower Counts: 70/107
I finally broke down and got a twitter account, but. So far I’m really enjoying it! Stay up to date @ArtPayasa
@GunnPayasa
Like my stuff? Buy me a coffee!
Current supporter count: 11
Your support means the world to me and is positively life changing, no matter the amount!
Skellybot Commissions soft launch:
Head over to buymeacoffee.com/payasaart and snatch up one of 10 commission slots! Get a Skellybot for you (and/or a friend!)
Become a member and get swag, first looks, and BTS speed drawing and process videos!
Payasa Art has entered the NFT space!
Super proud to be in the first Niftorian NFT Accelerator Cohort!
I’m learning so much its blowing my mind! I can’t thank these folks enough for being great human beings and teachers.
More soon!
Coming Soon-
A complete list of skellybots- that you can add suggestions to!
NFT Skellybot collectibles and PFP’s and Payasa Art Pieces
New Equipment for my shop (SO GRATEFUL) to aid in the distribution of Prints!
See you soon!
-C. Payasa Moses
Memory Machines
I was recently challenged to create a piece of art with a single one foot square wooden box for an exhibition at the Anne and Ellis Gallery of Art with some great artists.
Memory Machine I, Mixed Media, Photographs, and e-waste, 2021
I have recently been going through photographs from my senior year of college, one of the hardest years I have experienced as an adult. I spent an entire semester in the dark room, frustrated, crying, but determined to dive deeply into these feelings of hopelessness and use them creatively. The process of developing film was a parallel to an idea of looking deeply with patience into my own psyche. I know, a little deep for me, but looking back on it, these internal explorations were really key to bringing out some photographs and photograms that Im really proud of. Anywho, I have been looking through not only the photographs from this year, but an important box that has been in my closet for years, waiting for the right moment; a moment where I was healed enough to confront its contents. This box has over 15 years of journals in it- destroyed. I’ll explain: In my post-divorce mid to late 20’s I found myself hanging around with a terrible crowd that really brought out the absolute worst in me. Drugs, drinking, etc. In the years prior, I had kept my collection of journals (that I’ve been writing in since middle school) in absolute pristine condition. Whenever I moved having those journals safely contained and kept together was so incredibly important with me. A “boyfriend” I had began to literally destroy my life and burn bridges left and right. I was taken advantage of, and at a time where I still hadn’t learned to regulate my emotions properly and refused to seek consistent mental health. In a rage I destroyed these journals. Just tore them to pieces while he sat there and watched. (This is getting a little personal, but stay with me here it gets better I promise.)
I kept all the pieces in this box, and put the box in the closet. Everytime I looked at it I felt some kind of way, until recently when the soul-stinging stopped. I finally started looking through it. I’m not finished yet, but as I’ve been reading some of the pieces of pages, I struggled to decide whether to put the pages back together, or use them for art. Do I want an archive of my thoughts or an expression of them? I think for me the answer is both. Some things I want to remember with almost painful clarity, other things, I’m okay with forgetting. I’ll let you know when I finish. :)
Jump to a few months ago, i started looking through these photographs again, the ones from college, as I was planning pieces for a show with my good friend Melissa Coffey called Gone. The show is still in development but the premise is this: the analysis of life before and life after. Loss. Catharsis. Devastation. Love. Everything that surrounds grief in its many forms. I’m really excited for this show. Anyways, I planned to make a collage of these photographs, but hadn’t decided on what they should look like. This one foot box show came up, so I decided to take the idea for a spin.
(Long story for such a small piece, yes?)
I also had several large totes worth of e-waste and broken electronics parts from a class I taught for a summer camp about electronic assemblage, technology, and technology related art. So I got this vision of moving parts of a machine and the way we process and store memories. So, the official statement for the piece:
"Memory Machines are a series of mixed media, collage and e-waste sculptural boxes exploring the way we process, view, and store memories. In Memory Machine I, photographs, photo experiments and photograms were all cut and collaged together to create a background, which compares to the way we have pieces of memories, large and small, accurate and fabricated (or maybe at least just lightly tweaked for dramatic effect) sort of floating just outside of everday reach. Then hinges and broken computer parts were used to create moving arms which attached to other memory elements; the specific memory being recalled in the center is a blurry one of light hearted skeletal souls just beyond the veil of reality. One of the mechanical arms brings an old pair of glasses (My first pair, actually, before i discovered fashionable plastic alternatives) into the center with the hope of making the vision clearer. The glasses are supported delicately on a chain and decorative metal loop attached to an eyelet at the top of the piece; keys serve as a counterweight to balance the slight instability of the glasses. another arm brings a small suspended safety pin with skull charms, a precious but important memento mori. Future Memory Machines are intended to also include photographs and journal entries. “
I’m excited to be creating again.
My First Virtual Exhibition!!
I recently had the pleasure of working with Micheal Price, an amazing techspressionist artist and just a great guy overall. We collaborated for this exhibition, and It was a fun, creative, and fluid interaction with great conversations.
Check out the exhibition here
Techspressionist Digital Gallery
Using digital processes as a medium has been the key to unlocking my artistic expression as of late. It has really helped me heal and brought me comfort, and allowing me to express what I sometimes cannot express in words, and when overwhelmed by darkness.
What a deck!
So, it’s always been kind of a dream of mine to create a playing card deck. I’ve been a unique deck collector for some time, and Having a deck of cards distributed would be like…a huge tick off the bucket list.
Why not now?
INTRODUCING …THE SKEL-TECH DECK!
So, that’s been my project for the past few weeks. It’s been helping with a serious bout of insomnia as well. I can’t sleep, but don’t feel like getting out all my drawing stuff, so i’ve been drawing the symbols and illustrations on the cards through ibispaint on my phone. YEP. everything you see in the following gallery is a collaboration between my phone (initial drawings) and illustrator/photoshop (layouts and touch ups).
Yes, Creativity finds a way. Or whatever Jeff Goldbloom said.
I’m hoping to have them available for pre-order by December or January. (fingers crossed)
Shop!
Oh yeah, this has been a hard year for EVERYONE.
But at the same time, I’ve felt this renewed need to dedicate myself to my art, and be what I always said I would be, a working artist, creating-as-a-career type person.
I am feeling both blessed and excited, (and maybe a little nervous) to really start selling prints. I have hundreds of prints from my career so far, and would love to clean them out to start making room both physically and mentally for new artwork!
Why is it important to shop local, and to shop from Artists? A lot of us have regular jobs, and a lot of us survive paycheck to paycheck. The only way to keep creating is to sell our creations. Creating is not just a hobby for some, it’s a necessity, a human drive. I can definitely say creating artwork is as necessary to me as breathing. Selling prints and original pieces will fund new creations, and i know for some artists, funds the ability to recover from this year’s trials, and allows us to eat something besides ramen.
I hope to sell enough to fund the creation of a new card deck (photos and video coming soon, until then view them on my ig: @Payasaart), to get a better printer, and to fund supplies for a new screenprinting studio setup.
Anywho. Please support this local artist!
A Skellybot Wedding
I think this is probably one of my favorite drawings I’ve ever done. I put this together in a drawing class. We were learning about isometric perspective and instead of going the simple shapes route I saw other people taking, I remember wanting to create something pretty wild. This was based on an earlier print that I did called “Skellybots Upcycle”, where two robotic skeletons have various bits of trash but they are pretending to be humans and using the trash for fashion and function. I wondered what else the skellybots might do, and how they came to be. I recently thought, maybe in a far future an artificial intelligence finds nothing but human skeletons on the planet, and reassembles themself to look like what they found. (This sh*t keeps me up at night, folks.)
I never “finished” this drawing, or rather, it stayed a drawing in a portfolio somewhere and nothing else came of it. But as i’ve been pulling my artwork together for this website, I ran into this one again. I decided to try to render it digitally. At first I tried using photoshop, but I’ve recently been learning to use other adobe programs and just started using illustrator. So I took the photo, used a perspective crop to correct it, then cranked up the contrast and levels. I created a transparent colored layer to trace over in illustrator.
I skipped back and forth between illustrator and photoshop to fill in blacks, colors, and get some fun textures going.
overall I had a really fun time with this piece and am thrilled with how it turned out. I think this a good revival of my skellybots. I’m working on a digital remake of “Skellybots Upcycle”, which I hope to have out in the next week or so. Time to get prints!
A Skellybot Wedding, 2020
Click here to see a “making of” video!
Broken Guitar, Finale
So, i’m pretty excited and surprised about this guitar project and how it turned out. I work mostly two dimensional but I love doing things that bridge the gap between two and three dimensional work. This particular project i’ve been working on for a few months, and its conclusion ended up aligning with some really dark times. I never give anything a title too quickly, I like to sit with it and think about it and make sure its right. I had decided on something like New Life, or something, but I decided to go with the Latin “Vita Nova”, in honor of the daughter of a very close friend that recently passed away, who was named Nova.
With this piece I wanted to continue to explore the links between tech, spirituality, and life, but with a hopeful message. I have this tendency to incorporate alot of layers of meaning into something, as well as physical layers. (I think that’s why I love photoshop so much, ha!) So a broken guitar gets a new life; a reality of cold connectedness that we have still has beautiful things growing in it and around it.
What a week.
Techspressionism
The other day I found a call for artists from Techspressionism.com from callforentry.org and when I read the description, I was absolutely thrilled. I feel like my artwork isn’t just random, it fits into this movement. Anyways, I wanted to link them here because honestly I love the concept that they are pulling together and I’m excited to feel like i’m part of an art movement. :)
Techspressionism.com
IG: Techspressionism
Broken Guitar, Pt 1
Got some old and broken guitars donated from Berkshire Guitars for local artists to revive into art pieces. Here’s the progress on mine, as well as the final concept design. Super excited about the direction it’s going in. Also a random picture of my dog being a weirdo parrot again while she nibbles at herself.
First Supporters
Special thanks to Chaun C for being my first ever etsy customer! Special thanks to Travis Shaw for being my first Patreon Supporter!
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, and I feel like I’ve just taken several towards my goals. Thanks guys!
Werk
As i started creating graphics for this, my very first artist website, I somehow regressed into the 90’s. I remember one time this drawing professor I had asked me why I liked to use such “garish colors”…At first I thought, because i very well can, thank you very much. But then it hit me…I’m a child of the 90’s. The garish colors practically raised me.
Anyways. Almost ready to get the rest of the site up and running. :)