My heart might explode, but oh well…
Unnaturally high levels of stress and caffeine (at the very least) have raised my blood pressure to the point of medical significance, so I suppose that means i need to relax a little. Maybe do things I enjoy again. Like writing.
I recently found that for some terrible reason, I was still subscribed to my ex’s blog and all the terrible poetry that comes with it. How did i find out? email update. Ew. Unsubscribe. Tired of rolling my eyes randomly at control dressed as romance. I’d rather have a Vogon read me poetry.
That’s the thing that sucks about triggers sometimes, you are just minding your own damn business, living your best life, doing the things, and then boom. Some small reminder of abuse and coercion that just make your stomach turn. Social media memories and “People you may know” make me want to vomit sometimes. Block/Delete. Every time the suggestion comes up, it gets a hearty NO THX and BLOCK.
So why mention this? Well, A) It’s my own damn space to write and I will write what I please, which hasn’t always been easy for me under the guise of being “acceptable”. and B) As I go through more therapy, etc, things are starting to unlock in my brain.
I’m almost 40 and didn’t understand the extent to which my current health and mental health concerns are all stemming from years of abuse. Not just him, THEM. Multiple abuses and abusers. I finally had to put down the feeling of shame that I’m “too smart” to be in an abusive relationship of any kind- but when you are conditioned that way, conditioned to people please and think self-care and awareness is selfish, It’s easy to end up there.
My new favorite podcast:
Trust Me with Lola Blank and Meagan Elizabeth
https://www.trustmepod.com/
Cults are narcisstic abuse and and coercion on steroids. I guess that’s why i’m fascinated by learning about high control situations. And the more I learn, I’m finding the following to be true:
1) I didn’t deserve it
2)Bowing to coercion may look like consent to an outsider
3)Empathy can be exploited by a narcissist
4)I’m not a narcissist - (I know what you are thinking, isn’t that something a narcissist would say?"…Well, someone who isn’t might say it too, idk.) (Context- I was accused by my abusers SO of being a narcissist…and for a minute I was worried I was one, picking apart my behavior and beating myself up over it…I have since seen the light)
5)My worth is not tied to my value to someone else to use for their pleasures, perversions, or otherwise.
As I continue to unravel the clusterf*ck that is my brain and everyone who helped contribute to it being that way, I will start putting together my story. After a near death experience, losing my home (to a very large tree that almost killed my husband and me), and one heck of a nervous break down (or a few), I pleaded to the universe to give me some kind of sign that it was okay to tell my story- Well, in typical universe fashion, it delivered. Well, it was more of a “Quit being a pendeja.”
